26 Easy Steps to Taming Your Smartphone Addiction

Apparently people find it hard not to ogle the glassy sides of their smartphones. Some statistics say that, on average, people spend around four hours per day doing that—that's 1.17 days per week of tapping, swiping, and gawking. In some places, the number goes up to five or even six hours per day!

And then they have the guts to tell me, "Sorry, Marco, I'm very busy, so I can't meet you next week or any other week after that. Ever."

This extreme addiction to smartphones is a social problem because, well, I really want to meet you.

By far the simplest solution would be to make smartphones with no glassy side: both sides matte and inert. I haven't seen a single model like that, but I have hope for the next season.

In the meantime, I'll have to take things into my own hands. I'll tell you how I solved the problem while still holding on to a smartphone with a glassy side. I'll release you from this false busy-ness, so y'all won't have any more excuses to avoid me. Thank me when you see me next week.

Why me? I know my stuff. One time I even spent five full days traveling in uninterrupted airplane mode—that's regardless of the fact that I didn't spend even a minute in an airplane during those five days. It was tough, because I had to actually talk to people to get directions, and I had to carry with me one of those folded pieces of paper with lines on them that show you where places are next to each other, so you can go there. I also looked at the green parts of a public park for, like, two hours every day. It was tough, but I did it: this is why you can trust my advice below. (My dad's claim that, when he was young, he used to go around without a smartphone for years at a time is doubtful and should be ignored.)

It's really very simple. All you need to do is follow these 26 basic tweaks to your lifestyle. After I did, my smartphone use went down from about three hours per day to a little less than one hour. I've done it so that you'll have to, too.

Twenty-six may sound like a lot, but compare that to the number of hairs you carry all over your body. That should put things into perspective. Besides, each of these is as easy as factoring an 8-digit prime. There's no reason you shouldn't do them as well.

To begin with, the obvious steps:

1. Uninstall and stop using TikTok.
2. Uninstall and stop using Instagram.
3. Uninstall and stop using Facebook.
4. Uninstall and stop using Snapchat.
5. Uninstall and stop using what used to be known as Twitter.
6. Uninstall and stop using all mobile games.
7. Uninstall and stop using all other social media apps that require you to rotate your thumb more than four times in a row.
8. For every other app you open a lot, ask yourself if it's giving you superpowers, keeping you alive, or paying your bills. If it's none of those, uninstall and stop using. (Hint: no news app pays your bills.)
9. For the apps that remain, like blog feeds and email, unsubscribe from all sources of content that don't give you superpowers, keep you alive, and/or pay your bills. The goal is to have only a finite and short list of things waiting for you to check out every day, so that by evening you have nothing left to do with the phone.

If you feel like you have to check an app for fear of missing out, remember that you miss out more by looking at your smartphone. My dynamic and gracious company, for example.

I know, some apps need to stay, but they're still as time-sinking as all those other ones. I've got you covered.

10. YouTube: only use it to cast videos to a TV screen—never watch videos on the smartphone screen.
11. YouTube: also, turn off search history in the settings, which will also turn off all recommendations. No more algorithm. The feed of your followed channels will be your only source of video content. Besides, thanks to step 9, you'll only be following a few channels, so you'll watch them faster than they come out.
12. WhatsApp/Discord/other chat apps: permanently mute all groups/servers/channels except those where you absolutely need to check as soon as a new message is posted. For me, this is only a small circle of friends and family.
13. For some apps, there's a middle ground. Maybe you don't want to stop checking them altogether, just less often. Then uninstall the app and use the mobile browser to check them. This adds some friction because it's less convenient, so you'll avoid going there when the urge is weak.

Now, you might entertain the notion that the above is enough, but the above is not enough. We're only halfway through the list. The next big trap is the notification bar of your smartphone. It's not your friend, and so it isn't my friend either.

14. Mute notifications from most remaining apps, especially email and other "endless torrent" apps. You don't need to be informed that the torrent has provided 23,129,486 new drops of water since the last time you checked three seconds ago: you already know that. You can check the updates when you open the app next. Rule of thumb: if you ever find notifications from more than 4-5 different apps accumulating in half a day, you haven't muted enough.
15. Keep the phone in silent mode at all times. Use serious silent mode, the one that not only makes your phone quiet and vibration-free, but also hides any indication that notifications even exist (Do Not Disturb on Android, Focus Mode on iPhone). Only turn off this silent mode 4-5 times a day to quickly (<30 seconds) work your way through the few important notifications that have accumulated.

Once you've done all of the above, it's time to fight, scare, and manipulate yourself mercilessly.

16. Install an app usage monitoring app (I like Digitox and StayFree on Android). It will tell you how many minutes per day you use your smartphone and which apps you're using the most. The main goal is to provide the scary factor, which is why I call them "horror apps."
17. Use the horror apps to set daily time limits for your time-sink apps. Decide what's a healthy amount per day (hint: it's less than 15 minutes per app) and let your phone block the app when you reach the limit. The clock ticking will offer some sweet anxiety on top of the fear.
18. Give yourself monthly goals and rewards based on the statistics from your monitoring app. I reward myself with money because I'm morally depraved. Last month I bought myself a potted plant with it.
19. Always have ready a different, non-glowing-and-glassy activity available to absorb your urge to spend time on your smartphone. In my case, I always have a book nearby, so I read that.

Then there's all the physical side of things. You know, space and time, touching grass, etc.

20. Always completely power off the phone before going to bed. (Incidentally, this will also lengthen its battery's lifespan by a year or two.)
21. At night, charge the phone in the farthest room from your bedroom as possible.
22. Keep the smartphone out of your field of view while working and outside your immediate reach. You have to stand up to reach it.
23. Always put your phone on the table with the screen facing down. Just the view of the screen will corrupt your soul and make you want to give up on 1.17 days of your life per week.
24. Create "floor is lava" games for yourself, except that it's not the floor (unless you want to) and the lava only melts your phone. In my house, my work desk is lava for my smartphone. I can't place the phone on my desk even for a second, ever. For you, this might be your kitchen table, if that's where you tend to get sucked in by the mean little screen.
25. Set situational rules for yourself: no smartphone in the toilet, while brushing teeth, etc. Don't let it wedge its way into longer time blocks.

If you've done all of the above, you might have what it takes for the final blow:

26. Every morning at 6:66 AM, boil your smartphone for thirteen minutes in fresh Bulgarian lamb blood while chanting a curse to Aza Raskin. This will decrease the time you spend on your phone to zero, at least until you go and buy a new one.

In other words, maim, vilify, and neuterize your phone; horrify, surveil, and entertain yourself—and those 1.17 days per week will be yours again.

Thanks to these elementary precautions and minor adjustments, I now spend merely 60 minutes per day on my black rectangle. If that weren't enough, 20 of those minutes are dedicated to talking to my beloved family and friends, 20 more to navigating the web (to pay my bills, mostly), and the last 20 are divided among a dozen other (more or less healthy) apps.

Now you can't unsee this list anymore. I told you you'd have to do it. So... pizza next week? ●

Shout out to Herman's blog for inspiring this one.